The Plot Thins

Yesterday, I wondered whether Cleopatra Sandy was meant to be Vivien Leigh, Elizabeth Taylor, or even possibly Cher. Well, now I’m down to only two possibilities, because I know it couldn’t have been Cher. Sandy played Cher on today’s episode, and you know Sandy wouldn’t be caught dead playing the same celebrity twice.

I have to say that I think Sandy looks totally hot here. Someone did a really good job on her makeup, and the black hair looks great on her. She should definitely keep that hair. And her Cher wasn’t bad, either. Nice job, Sandy.

Semi-Halloween

Today, in honor of Halloween, the Food Network aired a very special episode of Semi-Homemade, which featured the many faces of Sandra Lee.

First up is Marilyn Sandy, and she’s brought her giant clock with her (look closely--it's there behind her left elbow).

Next, there’s Scarlett Sandy. This is my favorite Sandy, because I know it was meant just for me. Remember when I suggested that Sandy use parasols to make her window treatment? Well, this is the same as that. Just backwards. And with a dress instead of parasols. But the garment-curtain connection is clearly there, and I know this outfit was meant to make amends. Thank you, Sandy. Welcome back.

Here’s a Sandy that I’m not quite able to identify. It looks like Cleopatra, so I was thinking maybe Elizabeth Taylor. But Sandy never says Elizabeth Taylor, so then I thought maybe it’s Vivien Leigh again, who played Scarlett O’Hara and Cleopatra. But, you know, the more I look at this, the more I’m convinced that it must be Cher.

And finally it’s tablescape time, and who better to present it than Audrey Hepburn.

It’s all there: the chargers, the silk flowers . . . the excess. Well done, Sandy.

Barefoot Contessa had a Halloween special of her own today and, I could be reading too much into this, but I think that Ina is trying to reach out to Sandra Lee. The title of Ina’s show is “Halloween for Grownups,” and I think there are a couple lessons here for Sandy.

Lesson #1: This is an espresso martini. A good one that uses real espresso. And that is not pronounced with an “x”. And is not served in a mug.

Lesson #2: Even Halloween decorations should be, in the words of Ina, “very elegant.”

You (Sandy) can, for instance, use real flowers as opposed to silk, and you (Sandy) can also try eating in a dining room, instead of a dungeon basement.

And, the most important tip of all, the simpler you keep things, the fewer times you have to change your outfit. Remember: Keep it simple, keep it smart, and always keep it semi-homemade.

"Expresso" Martini

Dear Aunt Sandy,

It's espresso.

Love,
Vicarious Foodie

P.S. And that is no martini.

One-Star "Expresso" Martini

Failure-scape

Dear Aunt Sandy,

Why are you doing this, Sandy? Are you angry with me? Is it because I said Ingrid’s tablescape was more tasteful than yours? Is that why you had to prove to me that you, too, can make a sophisticated-and-elegant-scape, regardless of whether it fits the theme of your show? Don’t you know, as much as I may mock you and call you stupid and laugh at you every time you say “expresso,” that deep down I love you?

You didn’t have to take it this far. Just one week after I declared to the world that you never disappoint me, you have gone and disappointed me. Can you even begin to imagine, when I looked at the weekend line-up and saw that you were doing “Soul Food,” how excited I was? Have you any idea the sheer exuberance I felt at imagining the gems that would bedazzle your upcoming down-home-cooking-southern-style-scape? I awaited this day. I counted down to this day. And what did you give me? Oh, Sandy. Sandy, you gave me this:

What is this? I will tell you what this is, Sandy. This is a failure-scape. That’s right—you have failed us. What does this have to do with the South? How dare you refer to Grandma Dicey as if that, alone, will convince us that you are a southerner? I know you know that, in order to convince people that pre-packaged food is authentic food, you and your table must both dress the part. So where is your cotillion dress, Sandy of the Southern Belles? Do you really expect me to take you seriously in jeans? And what is that hanging from your window?

I really think a much more appropriate choice would have consisted of ruffles and frills from each of your parasols, collaged together to create the perfect window treatment. Instead, you have inexplicably settled on calla lilies. Calla lilies? Did the craft store not carry silk magnolias or cotton blossoms? Did you have a complete breakdown because never before had Jo-Ann Fabrics so cruelly turned its back to you, or were you simply overcome by the vapors? At the very least, take that peach rum punch away and give a girl a mint julep. Really, Sandy. Come back. We miss you.

Chica Homemade

Is it just me, or is Ingrid Hoffmann quite possibly the Food Network’s very own Latina Semi-Homemaker? Let me say right away that I like Ingrid—she has some good ideas and delicioso dishes, and her show is fun to watch—but recently I’ve seen some similarities between Ingrid and Sandy Lee that . . . I don’t know . . . I find a bit troublesome. I don’t know that I can take a double-dose of semi-homemaking.

Take, for instance, Sandra’s “Berry Time” and Ingrid’s “Hardware Chic.” Tell me if you don’t see what I’m talking about.

First we have Sandy in a gothic Alice-in-Wonderland-scape. You can’t see them all in this picture, but there are about a thousand black-and-white clocks in that kitchen right now. I won’t show them here because quite frankly I’m afraid they’ll cause someone a seizure—I think the enormous black number is quite enough. Where in the world did she get that thing? I don’t remember seeing those at my local craft store. And, while I believe in kitchen coordination as much as the next semi-homemaker, I think we’ve left the fine line between “coordinated” and “tacky” and crossed right over into “insane.”

And finally it’s tablescape time. More clocks, of course (because there’s no such thing as “excess” when it comes to semi-homemaking. I mean, if a KitchenAid stand mixer in 23 assorted colors isn't excessive, then certainly a few fake clocks all over the kitchen can’t be a problem), set off with metallic detail. We have metal watches for our napkin rings, metallic rimmed wine glasses, and some sort of metal fountain that’s holding the oh-so-important nametags. Don’t worry—you can’t see it here, but there is a clock with the name “Kim” on it, so Kimber won’t have to wonder where she’s supposed to sit. So considerate, Sandy. You never disappoint us.

Now let’s see what Ingrid’s up to. Take a look at this picture:

You know you see it. Don’t tell me this picture doesn’t immediately make you think of Gothic Sandy a little farther up. But, ok, if the dress isn’t enough to concern you, consider Ingrid's table:

If that’s a not a tablescape, then Sandy has done a poor job of teaching me what a tablescape is. That looks like a tablescape to me. Not only that, but note the metal theme. Granted, there are no clocks. But there are metal-enclosed apples in lieu of metal-enclosed napkins and, the clincher, metallic rimmed wine glasses. See the evidence for yourself:

Certainly, this is more tastefully done. Certainly, Ingrid has not gone over the top and concocted a scene that would scare any reasonable guest away. But I can still see where this is going, and it frightens me. Don’t go there Ingrid. You’re a few place-settings away from semi-stupidity. I worry for you. Don’t let me see the day you use your first seasoning packet.