Chica Homemade

Is it just me, or is Ingrid Hoffmann quite possibly the Food Network’s very own Latina Semi-Homemaker? Let me say right away that I like Ingrid—she has some good ideas and delicioso dishes, and her show is fun to watch—but recently I’ve seen some similarities between Ingrid and Sandy Lee that . . . I don’t know . . . I find a bit troublesome. I don’t know that I can take a double-dose of semi-homemaking.

Take, for instance, Sandra’s “Berry Time” and Ingrid’s “Hardware Chic.” Tell me if you don’t see what I’m talking about.

First we have Sandy in a gothic Alice-in-Wonderland-scape. You can’t see them all in this picture, but there are about a thousand black-and-white clocks in that kitchen right now. I won’t show them here because quite frankly I’m afraid they’ll cause someone a seizure—I think the enormous black number is quite enough. Where in the world did she get that thing? I don’t remember seeing those at my local craft store. And, while I believe in kitchen coordination as much as the next semi-homemaker, I think we’ve left the fine line between “coordinated” and “tacky” and crossed right over into “insane.”

And finally it’s tablescape time. More clocks, of course (because there’s no such thing as “excess” when it comes to semi-homemaking. I mean, if a KitchenAid stand mixer in 23 assorted colors isn't excessive, then certainly a few fake clocks all over the kitchen can’t be a problem), set off with metallic detail. We have metal watches for our napkin rings, metallic rimmed wine glasses, and some sort of metal fountain that’s holding the oh-so-important nametags. Don’t worry—you can’t see it here, but there is a clock with the name “Kim” on it, so Kimber won’t have to wonder where she’s supposed to sit. So considerate, Sandy. You never disappoint us.

Now let’s see what Ingrid’s up to. Take a look at this picture:

You know you see it. Don’t tell me this picture doesn’t immediately make you think of Gothic Sandy a little farther up. But, ok, if the dress isn’t enough to concern you, consider Ingrid's table:

If that’s a not a tablescape, then Sandy has done a poor job of teaching me what a tablescape is. That looks like a tablescape to me. Not only that, but note the metal theme. Granted, there are no clocks. But there are metal-enclosed apples in lieu of metal-enclosed napkins and, the clincher, metallic rimmed wine glasses. See the evidence for yourself:

Certainly, this is more tastefully done. Certainly, Ingrid has not gone over the top and concocted a scene that would scare any reasonable guest away. But I can still see where this is going, and it frightens me. Don’t go there Ingrid. You’re a few place-settings away from semi-stupidity. I worry for you. Don’t let me see the day you use your first seasoning packet.